We all (presumably) know Indiana Jones, the rugged individual who's book smart with a bow tie, but packs a mean right hook and a leather jacket. He's a man's man, a lady's man, but also tragically flawed in his intense fear of snakes. He's so handsome, so brave, so tenacious, so... Gosh Darn American!
But what is the Palace of Culture and Science? Is it a lost Mayan ruin? The key to an ancient oriental numerological cult? Perhaps the final resting place of Jesus Christ's abacus? No friends, but good guesses. To borrow a line, "No one can be told what the Palace of Culture and Science is..."
but what the heck, I'll try.
the Palace of Culture and Science is an
enormous - wait, what's bigger than enormous? - Meganormous structure thrust into the heart of downtown Warsaw. Built from 1952-55 as a sign of friendship (and or total cultural domination) by the Soviet Union, it is a classification of structure for which I have no frame of reference. For now, let's call it a Soviet Super Scraper. Architecturally it combines elements of ancient greek temples, russian palaces, and more traditional western skyscrapers with unequivocating Soviet motifs (the column staturary in the shape of a steel worker holding a book by Engels is a good example) and an overwhelming sense of power-eternal. For the majority of its considerable height, it's just a skyscraper. Sure, it has megolomaniacal ornamentation, but still, it's mostly straight up. But at the base! It has four rectagular "temples" on each corner, with a half-circle enclosed promenade alone the West side, and a couple Obelisks guarding the obliques of the whole thing. I can go on and on, and the pictures just won't do it justice. I'll bet it even looks ridiculous from space (or at least on Google Maps). Much more info about the structure (including about the 1967 Rolling Stones concert it hosted) on Wikipedia (linked to title).so what does the Palace of Culture and Science have to do with All-American Indy? Well, that's where the story really picks up. Following the Soviet collapse, the Polish people had a problem: In all of their downtown, they only had one skyscraper, and it was an overt symbol of their now-hated oppressor. But it was just so freakin' huge! so what do you do? Well, first you start re-tasking its hundreds of office spaces and display areas. Several museums moved in, and in truely wonderful Polish fashion, so did several active (and very good) theatres. And then something odd happened. I don't know when or why, but somehow they got the idea to carve into the very center of the ground floor a series of movie theatres, called KinoTeka.
And that's where I watched Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, in the cold,
dead, but still useful heart of a detested but useful Soviet edifice. Now the movie was nothing to write home about (but of course I did - see the comments of this blog for my full review), but the experience of watching Indy duke it out with ridiculous Soviet/Russian stereotypes while surrounded by Poles who were much better educated about the realities of the Soviet army (and Soviet history - "Stalin's favorite pupil," as the villian is described, would have been hard-pressed to find any friends, much less a full detachment of soldiers when the movie takes places in 1957, after Stalin died in 1953 and the "Great Thaw" ended Soviet extremalism in 1956).So read the review if you like, but know this before going on: It's a bad movie. not only is the plot bad, the characters are shallow, the script is ridiculous, and there's enough ham stuffed into this turkey to make Madden proud. But it's not an unusual movie, by which I mean to say that as over-blown and disappointing as it was, it wasn't the worst movie that Hollywood (or even the Lucas-Spielberg Consortium) has cranked out.
Honestly, I was hoping for more, but when the full force of the Indy-Idiocy sunk in (about the time the Aliens showed up), it occurred to me that I was at a special time and a special place. Deep within a staggering monument designed to proclaim the eternal progress and righteousness of the (now deceased) International Soviet Movement, I was watching a movie supposedly symbolize all the greatness of American character (and commercialism), but which in fact best accomplished the task of presaging the downfall of US culture.In fairness to our Soviet predecessors, at least their ridiculous artifice has the potential to serve a useful purpose. All we can be proud of as Americans is that we've given Lucas-Spielberg the financial ammo they need to nuke us all over again.
But if they do ever make Indiana Jones and the Palace of Culture & Science, I'll be the first one camping out for tickets.
So speakest Weber (on the lamb)
4 comments:
Indiana Jones... in Space (and/or the space between spaces)!!!
Ok, if you've already put up the money to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I'm sorry, I can't give that back. I can't even give you some assurance that you were hoodwinked, that it really should have been a great flick, and there was no way you could have known that it would have been more entertaining to convert your $8 into pennies and flush them down various public toilets.
Sorry, I'm not god.
On the plus side, I did get to watch the full thing without paying one red cent... nope, I paid 20 zloty for that slice of heaven, and for that price, I'm damn well gonna talk about it.
First, let me say that I don't have any idea why Harrison Ford is in this movie. I know why George Lucas and Steven Spielberg made it, I know why it has so much money backing it up, but no positive opinion I have of Mr. Ford as a rational human being can support his pivotal decision to "go for it" one last time with 'Jonesey. At least, not with this script!
I'm relatively sure that Napoleon's Grand Army had less camp than this 100 minute drivel, and that's before the Russian winter. The plot arch is more like an EEG arrythmia reading, and the holes are large enough to drive a Nazi -I mean Russian- 30-bladed tankified Forrest Fucker through at full speed. To be honest, there isn't even enough solid grounding upon which to establish a critique of the plot. I don't know if Marianne's character is behaving rationally or not, she literally disappears for 10 minutes during a crucial chase scene, so unless she was doing deep meditation and self-actualizing, I'm willing to bet that means she just isn't important enough to worry about. Ox, Mutt, Mac; there's enough one-syllable nicknames to repopulate GI Joe headquarters after a rare Cobra victory, but not enough character development to keep even that one syllable standing. Indy of course is a character, but all the emphasis on his well-worn charisma and ophidiophobia (look it up) turn even the star into nothing but a charicature of his former glory. He looks most natural in the final scene when (spoiler alert) his wedding could have been transported into a retirement home or even the pearly gates - the stars and guests alike looked ready to go.
So if the general points can't withstand a whisper of criticism, how go the details? In classic Speilbergian fashion, his greatest triumphs are the ones you won't notice. CGI groundhogs, ants devouring people alive, and probably two or three dozen other scenes when CGI was in no way necessary, but they managed to squeeze it in without us caring. One iota more towards actually directing wouldn't have saved this flop-wagon, but it could have at least convinced cynics like myself to give it a second look. My favorite idiocies are the most obvious:
- All KGB officers speak with a thick Russian accent whenever they travel to America.
- In the event of a nuclear attack, don't hide under your desk - get in the refrigerator.
- Winning 2 Lenin prizes is impressive, but winning 3 makes you the grand empress of the holy Wizbang brigade.
- Greasers and Preppies were mortal enemies, but couldn't help hanging out at the same soda shops - no one can resist a good milkshake.
- If you ever need to find Indiana Jones, just throw his hat up in the air and see which direction it floats.
Giant ants, ludicrous waterfalls, fight sequences that should requires months of progressive rehabilitation - Lucas has it all.
And did I mention the Aliens? That's right, this is Close Encounters of the Stupidest Kind. It starts with a sly, "what, aliens? no one believes..." then suddenly, before you can even properly choke on the popcorn you were enjoying a moment before, they just hit you with it. In no uncertain terms. Yes, the Russians have found aliens, and yes, they all have Crystal Skulls. This movie vamps from smarmy archaeology action to Alien vs. Predator in the span of a whip crack and with all the finesse of a drunken Jedi wifebeater.
I wouldn't call this a thinking person's movie, or even a movie person's movie, but it does force us all to ask one very important question: "Did somebody kill Sean Connery?"
Rest in Peace Indiana, it's time for this old dog to get put down.
Weber
Wow ryan, you rock. That was a badass review! I'm sad to say I actually paid $10 to see it :( Fortunately, I'm easily amused and thoroughly enjoyed myself on this awful flick.
Ryan I loved the review but you are way to hard on the movie. Look we all knew it wasn't going to be great. And I can over look a lot of historical inaccuracies, see Mayan's in Peru and the Amazon.... But the Aliens were in my opinion an unforgivable offense. To me this movie would have been fine if they had just not made them aliens, but noooooooo they had to be fucking aliens. I am still waiting to here from Jen Mathews but I don't think the review will be good.
As one of John's friends pointed out - 15 seconds after Indy opens up that refrigerator and sees that little groundhog, it dies a horrible, horrible death of radiation poisoning.
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