A Treatise on Pissing in Public

No photos - you're welcome.

This should be sub-titled "How to Avoid it, How to Do it, and a Survivor's Guide to the Worst Case Scenario."

We're all human. We breath, we eat, we sleep, we piss, and we die. We do a lot of other stuff in the meantime, but essentially those 5 things we all have in common on a regular basis.

Why then, would you build a city in which one of them was difficult to do? In Athens, for example, you can breathe freely, eat at any street corner, sleep on basically any bench, and die at a variety of pleasant hospitals or (again) street corners. But you can't take a whiz anywhere, and I'll bet it's not the worst city for this problem either.

Not in the metro (subway), not in most parks, not in most restaurants, and not even guaranteed with admission to every museum.

I don't know how, but my first two days in Athens I managed to stumble on toilets just when I needed them, rare though it was. Apparently i used up all my luck and found the only 3 public WC's in the place, because after that it was a drought the likes of which were known only by enemies of the Israelites.

So here's the guide:

Part 1: How to Avoid Pissing in Public.
This is actually quite easy. My favorite saying (now) is "Go-Before-You-Go," and I hope is self-explanatory. If I've lost you already, just skip to the next post.
Much progress and safety can also be made through pacing. No matter how thirsty you are, never, ever, ever chug any fluid for any reason. Not spicy food, not taking medicine, nothing. And finally, plan ahead. When you find a toilet, write it on your map, and plan trips by leap frogging from one WC to the next. This sounds extreme, but since most of the ones you do find will be on your way to something else, it works out pretty well. Paranoid? You bet it is, keep reading.

Part 2: How to Do it Properly.
When pissing in public becomes a necessity, and you'll know when it does, my biggest point of advice is to put as much distance between your pride and your pants as possible. In our civilized world we have a lot of restrictions. Some of them are legal, and most of them are social. Be wary of the legal ones, but remember, most minor offenses are only illegal if you get caught, and there's no CSI: Urinary (yet - I'm looking at you Miami).
So yeah, when push comes to bladder comes to shove, just find an isolated spot and do it already. I strongly recommend parks, or at least grassy places. People may not think it's cool, but the reaction will always be better than in an urban area. A tree is just a tree, but a building, a sidewalk, or a motorcycle belongs to someone, and they'll prefer it remain pee-free.
Of course, a weather eye is a benefit, and the lower the witness count the better. The next big trick is speed. Now I would apologize to the women here, but I know a few of you ladies who can do your thing with lightning speed, so I know it's anatomically possible.
And here's the final trick: when you're done, act like nothing happened and casually continue your tour. In fact, if you can make it look like you're reading a map, or admiring some nature (another new favorite euphemism of mine) while you do it, all the better.

Part 3: A Survivor's Guide to the Worst Case Scenario
preface - yes, this IS going to be embarrassing. But if I'm writing a blog about my experiences, good and bad, then what use would I be if I censored something just because it was one of the worst experiences of my life? Also, and I'll get to this, I had a very peculiar Nirvana insight along the way without which this blog would not be complete.

SO here's the deal: ALWAYS follow steps 1 and 2 (above) religiously. That you already know. No one ever sets out to put themselves in a worst-case scenario, but sometimes it happens, and then what are you going to do if you can't get advice from someone, preferably someone who's already been there and lived through it.

Let's set the scene: You didn't follow Part 1 (the Golden Rule of urban exploration). You chugged down a full 1/2 litre of water just because you were thirsty and near a water fountain (free refill). Further, you decided to go exploring on a Friday night in downtown Athens, far away from any of the sites you previously visited and a good distance from all public parks. Now sure, you didn't realize that these factors were building into the perfect storm, but then if you'd seen the clouds gathering, it might have been avoided, right?

Ok, so your bladder starts telling you, "hey, we got a problem." At the first sign, you should start looking for relief. This is like when your car's Gas light comes on. Theoretically, you should have already refueled, but if not you have a small buffer of time before the problem escalates.

So you start looking - sort of. This is a BIG mistake. In fact, it is the point of no return, but you won't realize that for awhile. Do Not pass go, Do Not continue window shopping, Do Not meander aimlessly down alley markets, Do Not assume it will just go away, and Do Not, DO NOT buy a cup of coffee from an establishment in the vain hope that it has a loo. It doesn't, and now you're really screwed.

You still with me? I know, sure, you'd never do this to yourself, what with all the stomach cramping your doing, the slow creep of awkward walking, what must (in retrospect) have been a haunting pale look on your face. But let's say you do.

Restaurants, public spaces, libraries are all good options, but they all come with complications. But now you're desperate, so it's time to pull out all the stops. You know where a McDonalds is, and while it may be on the other side of downtown, it's still closer than your hostel, so you hop a subway car and start finally making progress.

But you are too late.

Here's an interesting fact to digest: Urinary control is largely mental, but there are physical and anatomical controls involved as well, and they don't always operate on a conscious level.

I mention this because let's say, in this hypothetical reconstruction, that upon emerging from the subway station (after 3 flights of stairs), you finally see those glorious golden arches, and the relief goes straight from your brain directly to your bladder, and it's go time.

What do I mean by "go-time?"

I mean you start pissing. In your pants. In public. Uncontrollably.

Let's give that a minute to soak in.

Not in the scenario, in reality that's the opposite of what you want to do, but in reading this please just take a moment to blink here, ok. I certainly need to.


wheh. better? No, I didn't think so.

It takes your brain a second to register exactly what's happening. I mean, you KNOW what's happening, but your civilized 21st century mind just can't quite process it immediately. First things first: MOVE.

It's preferable if you can find a secluded place, or at least a wall or anything. Let's say you see a dumpster, go for it. Sure, it's only a 1/4 size dumpster so everyone can still see you from several different angles, but what the heck. You've got bigger problems now.

Once you have a location, the next step is uncovering. Don't get these two steps confused. As much as you want to stop peeing in your pants, once those drawers are around your ankles, moving will become harder, and may still be necessary if you're not careful.

And here's where Nirvana comes in. If you've made it this far, don't worry, the worst is yet to come, but you get something morbidly special, like a door prize at a funeral. You get to have the simultaneous experience of sheer terror and utter bliss. Nothing feels as good as the relief you are feeling right now, and that screaming sound in your brain is every ounce of social decorum imploding as your Id and Super Ego go into full out apocalyptic civil war. There are other ways to achieve this state, but I don't know those paths. Perhaps I should found a monastic order, the Thirsty Brotherhood of the Moist Cloth or something.

Ok, you done yet?

No, of course not. You've been holding this in a long time. Let it go, you've nothing (more) to lose at this point.

While we wait, let me address a question I'm sure some of you are having: "why don't you just stop pissing?"

Oh friend, if only it were that easy. I'm no doctor, but I know when the switch stops working. You can practically scream at yourself to stop, but once you're mid-flow on a gusher like this one, there is no escape. Not even a little dutch boy could plug this one, and besides that would just make things worse.

Ok, you're done. Now listen closely, because the next 15 seconds are critical. Take that water bottle in your backpack, yes the one you stupidly guzzled down then refilled at the water fountain. I want you to pour it down your pants. all of it. Quickly. NOW.

You have a few precious seconds, so you've got to think fast. Maybe you can come up with a better solution, but at this point you're one metro stop, one bus ride, or about 5 miles walk away from home, you have piss running down both legs of your pants and, if you're lucky, not into your shoes. I recommend the water dump for several reason:
1. by rinsing out the piss-path, you decrease the risk of immediate discoloration and, crucially, odor.
2. Alibi. Don't throw away the bottle. Yes, it looks EXACTLY like you just took a huge piss in your pants. Most people won't ask, they'll just assume, but so long as you have that empty bottle of water in hand, there's the slightest possibility that they'll think you spilled it, and if asked, they might actually believe you. It's a stretch, but you're living in the 3rd circle of Hell here, so take all the lifelines you can get.

You now have your newly soaked and re-soaked pants on, time to make an exit. I recommend against taking a bow or in any other way acknowledging what just happened to the dozens of witnesses who were there. They know what happened, no fooling them, but this isn't your best moment and you'd be best to get moving. Hopefully no one will follow you laughing with their cell phone/cameras.

Getting home is tough. Maybe it looks like your pants are some kind of Camoflage, but that impression will only last for a quick second until even a dense observer realizes that it's only camo in 2 colors, and only in one very specific region. If possible, get away from everyone. Go down deserted streets, get into parks, whatever. But if you're in a downtown urban center, that may not be an option. Therefore, take the opposite approach.

Think about it, in a crowd, how many times do you actually look at someone else's pants? We are a very torso-centric people, so stay close to the people in front of you (this is where the minimilization of odor is key), and try to look as natural as possible. You will still probably have a horrible look on your face, but there's no helping that now - it's a Nirvana aftershock.

Get on the metro, and stay facing the door.

When you get out, stay in the crowd. This won't always work, but remember that most people who see you are headed in the opposite direction. The faster you move, the less time they will have to notice and/or mock you.

If at all possible, find somewhere private to dry out. If it's now 9 pm in central Athens, you may be out of luck. Shadows are a good option, they won't actually hide you, but slight color differences are harder to spot in the lower light.

Make your way to the bus stop using the tricks above, and get on the bus using the same tricks as the subway. If you aren't very good about this, expect a miserable bus ride with lots of people taking notice. Still have that water bottle? Thank god. When someone asks, just shrug and hold the bottle. If they ask in Greek, you don't speak Greek. If they ask in English, become French.

Getting off the bus is easy, less people around and generally fewer street lights. Plus, the water and is drying at least enough to stop dripping.

Only one problem. What if, upon exiting the bus, a trio of newly-arrived American college grads from your hostel spot you and come over to ask your help in finding a place to eat? I did say this was a Worst-Case Scenario, right?

Well, wouldn't want to be inhospitable, and the "No Habla Inglaes" trick is not going to work here. I'd go for the bottle story, and really ham it up. If you're lucky, it might have dried enough by this point to look like a bottle spill, rather than like you got blasted with a fire hose in your naughty bits. Act natural, in fact act super confident. Any sign of weakness and you're toast. When someone says something like, "dude, that sucks, it totally looks like you pissed your pants," just roll with it. Say something like, "I know, but at least it's keeping me cool in this heat wave." That's lame, but it will have to do - you're not out of the woods yet. Maybe we're in the 7th ring now, but the exit is guarded by your other hostel mates.

When you get back to the hostel, stay in the back of the group. They've been with you for the past 45 minutes, so they've probably forgotten about your odd appearance, and may not even mention it to the others (if you're lucky). Slip into your room, and change NOW. Doesn't matter how many people are in the dorm room right then, you should practically come in naked.

Now go take a shower, blame it on a long hot day, and only now can you start scraping your dignity back together. Make sure to wash (or at least rinse) your clothes one more time to remove any traces of your shame.

Finally, write an incredibly long blog about it in the hopes that your friends won't ridicule you about it for the rest of your life, and try to turn this poignant learning experience into something both humorous and enlightening.

Best of luck, and welcome to the Brotherhood.

Weber (on the lamb)