Mother F$*#& of Reinvention

The great thing about quitting your job, leaving your apartment, and driving more than halfway across one of the largest countries on earth is that, theoretically, you get to start over.

Now sure, starting over is never easy. You still have to learn all the new street names, acclimate yourself to the weather, and adjust to whatever new schedule or regimen you're embarking on. And then there's the meeting of strange new peoples...

But what's killing me is not the fresh new re-invention, but the total absence of carry-over experience, authority or history. Apparently I didn't pack the right stuff into our enormous 16 foot moving van, because now that I'm here in New York, there are a few things I wish I brought with me.

Like some damn respect.

While I am in a new city embarking on a radically different career path, I am essentially (no, exactly) the same person I was when I left San Antonio. As much as I loved my Eurotrip this summer, and it did a TON to help me see the who-I-am-and-what-I'm-doing details, I don't feel like it changed me in any appreciable way (except the skinniness and bad haircut - you win some, and...).

So here I am trying to be the same Ryan Weber I was in San Antonio, only now I happen to be in New York. I want to put on nicer shoes (and eventually a wool coat) and just be the same person, but it doesn't work that way.

In coming here, I have basically no academic background to commend me. I graduated from Trinity, and since then have barely cracked a book in 4 years. I'm clever, but I'm not brilliant, and in the area in which I've chosen to study I can claim to be competent, but not even very well-informed.

But what about all that other stuff? All the stuff I have actually been doing for the past 4+ years? Shouldn't all that experience be worth something?

Apparently not. Case is point - the Columbia radio station.
WKCR is a venerable jazz institution, with a long and hallowed tradition. Among the staff are some of the most knowledgeable of any college jazz DJs, but this impressive pedigree has generated the myth that anyone working at WKCR is an "authority," and by correlation anyone who hasn't worked at WKCR cannot be.

So what do you do when you're dealing with someone who may not recognize (or even negate) your demonstrated experience?

the result is that I am left explaining to a 20 year old (as politely as I can) why after 8 years of jazz radio experience I probably don't need her to show me how to work a record needle. The explanation being unsatisfactory (or ignored - I've never worked a WKCR turntable) she just shows me a second time.

Am I just whining? I feel like it. But there is something deeper to grab onto here.

I feel like with every year that goes by, I achieve a greater appreciation for the wisdom, or at least the experience of my elders. Not all my elders, and not on every subject. I'm still young enough to believe that my opinions - based on "modern" ideas and "progressive" concepts - are still the best, but I'm in that late 20s phase when I can at least acknowledge that those older than I might have a good, wise reason to hold the beliefs they do, even if I disagree.

Does this just continue, more and more respect for the views of elders, until you're the oldest one left standing? Is there a sweet spot, when you stop thinking your ideas are best, and just submit to the wisdom of others before becoming the wisest yourself? And if the eldest are the wisest, why do we marginalize them in society by putting them in isolated communities and generally disregarding what they have to say? I'm not on the AARP payroll, and I get that wisdom and age are not universally linked, but what of it?

Anyway, I figure that I've got a few small areas in which I have specific, practical, valuable experience. They are Radio, Swing Dancing, and Camping. That's it.

And if that's not good enough to get me some measure of respect or appreciation in the realms of, let's say, radio, swing, or camping, then what's the point?

I've only been in New York 3 weeks, and even I can admit that what I'm really dealing with here involves demonstrated ability, respect, and a degree of trust, none of which can ever be instantly conveyed.

So I just need to pay my dues, keep the chip off my shoulder, and remember that I'm not special.

But that doesn't mean I can't explore some deeper issues of personal identity while venting about it on my blog.

Right?

Weber (on the rant)